How to rebuild your life after the death of a spouse

10 practical steps for coping after the death of a spouse

Nothing can prepare you for the pain of losing a wife, husband or life partner. You may feel like you’ll never recover, but with time you can slowly start to move forwards.

Grief is highly individual. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve and no ‘correct’ timeline. However it is important to try to look after yourself and your health and wellbeing at this difficult time. These 10 practical steps will support you as you start to rebuild your life after the death of a spouse.

1. Allow yourself time to grieve

Grief is the overwhelming emotional and physical manifestation of your feeling of loss. It affects everyone in different ways but often includes intense sadness, shock, confusion, guilt plus irrational thoughts. Physically it can make it difficult to eat and sleep. Allowing yourself to feel these strong emotions rather than suppressing them is seen as healthier and can help you to heal sooner.

In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross defined the ‘five stages of grief’. These can be useful to understand how your mind processes loss, but these stages are not linear. Not everyone will experience all of them and it is normal to move back and forth between stages. Kübler-Ross said herself, “They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grieving is as individual as our lives.”

2. Lean on family and friends

Let friends and family help you as much as possible with practical things like cooking/housework or emotionally by being with you and listening. Don’t be afraid to ask for the help you need. When you’re ready, agree to invitations to go for a walk or to the cinema. You might not feel very sociable but these first steps at being out and about in the world are important to creating new memories.  Accept that your support network won’t always say the right things, especially if they tell you how you should grieve, but appreciate that they are there because they care about you.

3. Seek professional help

Grief counselling can help you work through your emotions in a healthy way and offer coping strategies. It provides a safe space to explore confusing feelings that you may not want to fully share with your friends and family. Ask you GP to refer you to a qualified counsellor, although you may have to pay. You can also call the Cruse helpline on 0800 8081677. They offer a free and non-judgemental listening service for bereaved people.

4. Join a grief support group

It may help to join a support group of people who ‘get you’ having been through a similar situation. Try Way up, an online group for older adults who have lost a partner or ask your GP, local community centre or library about in person groups.

5. Establish a daily routine

You’ll probably feel that you don’t want to do anything at all at first, but creating a daily routine will give you a purpose. Whether that’s having a healthy breakfast at the same time every morning, a daily walk, reading, gardening, a coffee with a friend or video calls with family, fill your week with routines that nourish your mind and body. Find ideas for fulfilling activities you can do from home.

6. Maintain a healthy diet

Grief can suppress your appetite, but it’s important to eat regularly and stay hydrated to stay healthy. Ideally you should aim for a nutritious and well-balanced diet but if you’re finding this difficult, focus on eating little and often. Avoid using alcohol to numb your feelings as this may make  you feel worse, but ensure you drink plenty of water and things like hot tea to prevent dehydration.

7. Get sufficient sleep

While you may feel utterly exhausted, getting to sleep can be difficult at first–and when you do sleep you may be prone to vivid dreams. This is to be expected and you should try and rest as much as possible.  If you’re struggling with sleep long term talk to your GP. Read our guide to improving sleep quality for simple suggestions that might help you to relax at night.

8. Exercise regularly

Exercise is excellent for lifting your mood as well as improving physical health. It should also help boost your appetite and ability to sleep. Walking is one of the best exercises and even popping to the shops every day will help you to reconnect with the world. Spending time in natural green spaces is thought to reduce stress so try strolling around your local park or meet up with a friend for a more challenging country walk. Yoga is also a fantastic exercise for calming the mind. If you can’t face going to a class, there are plenty of routines you can try at home. Online yoga teacher Adriene has a specific session for grief. Read our guide to keeping fit in retirement.

9. Explore new hobbies and interests

When you’re ready, taking up a new hobby like painting, gardening or learning an instrument, can provide a welcome distraction from your grief. You could even set yourself a challenge to raise money for your favourite charity. Volunteering is another fantastic way to connect with other people and will give you a strong sense of purpose and satisfaction.

10. Consider a four-legged companion

Pets, especially dogs and cats, can be truly wonderful friends in times of mourning. There are all the benefits of  a loyal, loving companion, but they also demand attention, giving you a reason to get up in the morning. Dogs are a big responsibility but due to their devoted personalities and need for daily walks, give the biggest rewards in terms of physical and mental health benefits. Read this guide if you are thinking about getting a dog, but if the practicalities are too much, you can always borrow one.

How long does grief last after the death of a spouse?

Grief is a deeply personal process with no fixed duration and there’s no rights or wrongs. You may begin to feel better within a few months, or it may take years, but taking some of the steps we’ve suggested could help you to start to heal sooner.

How do I deal with loneliness after the death of a spouse?

You’re likely to experience loneliness after the loss of a spouse. After all you’ve probably spent most of your time, if not most of your life, with your partner by your side. While you can’t replace them, it’s important that you take steps to combat loneliness. And never feel guilty about wanting to be sociable. Your loved one would not like to think of you being alone and unhappy. Make the effort to see your friends and family. Accept invitations and think about taking up interests that allow you to meet new people. Read Stephen’s story of overcoming loneliness after the death of his beloved wife Joan.

Downsizing to a McCarthy Stone home after the death of a spouse

While it’s hard to contemplate leaving the home you shared with your partner, given time you may decide that downsizing to a more manageable retirement property is a good option for many reasons.

Your current home may start to feel too big, you may not feel as safe as you once did, and, if you divided jobs between the two of you, you could find it a challenge to do things your partner took care of e.g. cooking or gardening. There may be financial benefits for moving too. But perhaps the best reason to move is to combat feelings of isolation.

A new home can take you physically closer to your family so you can see more of them more easily. And, if you move to a McCarthy Stone retirement apartment, you will join a supportive and caring community of new neighbours—often with similar stories. There are social activities and useful amenities on-site, as well as the peace of mind of safety and security features and friendly managers to look out for you.

When you’re ready, a new home in a location that you love, could be a good opportunity for a fresh start in a positive environment.

Want to learn more?

Discover our retirement homes near you, call our sensitive and approachable team on 0800 201 4811 or contact us online and we’ll get back to you.